These are situations I’ve observed or been an unwilling participant in over the years and have left me annoyed, aggravated or downright disgusted.  Please bear in mind that I will admit I’ve had a “brain fart” and done a few of these maneuvers over the years but “generally speaking” these are maneuvers that lack logic, consideration or common courtesy or a variation of the three.  As a result, don’t take this personally if you see yourself in a few of these scenarios.  Conversely, if you find yourself to be “present and accounted for” in nearly every paragraph, you may want to do a little soul-searching and introspection to find some areas of improvement as a fellow human being.  Additionally, I did take a “Letter of the Law” perspective with these observations in order to maximize the comedic quantity.  With that being said, I hope this piece proves educational, humorous, informative and worthy of my research and time.  By the way, these are not ranked in any particular order.

Commercial Drivers, #1

Yes, we get it that your livelihood depends on getting to that next appointment.  However, our “lives” depend on us getting to our final destinations.  A little less bumper licking, excessive speeding and erratic lane changing with that “Five Espressos Too Many” determined face would be much appreciated.

Personal Space Infringement, #2

This tends to occur at grocery stores, ATM’s and other retail stores.  These individuals climb so far up your A$$ I can’t figure why they don’t perform a colonoscopy procedure or grab it already.  I’ve noticed that some of the worst offenders are “old-timers” (age 70+).  You would think being retired would slow these individuals down but that doesn’t seem to be the case.  I believe that this may be due to the aches, pains or general fatigue that comes with an advanced age.  Possibly simply being upright is exhausting in itself?  I’m guessing when I reach age seventy I’ll have more empathy on this issue.

One of my favorite examples of infringement occurred in my work place.  A manly forty something, female supervisor with a 80s’ feathered hair style enters the kitchen while I am washing my dishes.  A female colleague is speaking to her as they enter.  Instead of behaving like a human being with manners this social misfit says (hands already encroaching into my space) “I’m going to sneak in here real quick”.  She proceeds to wet her hands, uses the soap dispenser and scrubs her hands over my “would be” clean dishes.  This is about the fifth time she has exposed me to a similar variation of obnoxious behavior in the kitchen.  Somebody needs to send this oinker out to the sty where she can bury her face in the trough and dine with her brethren.

Mad Lane Changers, #3

I take the biggest exception with the “winners” that do this on city streets.  I’m guessing these people skipped the lesson in driver’s training class that emphasized how little time (typically in seconds) is saved by speeding on city streets.  Conversely, statistics show that some of the deadliest car accidents occur on “city streets”.

Toilet Seat Decorators, #4

These social misfits are too lazy to raise the toilet seat in public bathrooms.  Instead these “artistes” release “The River Phoenix” all over the top of the seat.  “All class baby, all class.”  Talk about reared by wolves.  By the way gents, there are only five reasons to choose a stall over a urinal for urinating:  you have a social phobia of peeing next to another man; your tool is too small and you don’t want to take any chance that it may be compared amongst other males; you’re wearing shorts and are concerned with the “spray-back” factor; you’re a homophobe; a urinal is unavailable.

Parking Lot Speedsters, #5

These ass-clowns give other drivers almost zero opportunity to back out of their parking spaces.  The real beauty is that if an accident occurs, these jack-holes end up “in the right” whereas we are penalized with an “at-fault” accident on our driving record.  Yes ass-clowns, there are limits to how fast you should drive in a parking lot, whether or not you see posted speed limit signs or not.  For example, in my apartment community we have a “corn- jack” in a black Hyundai that tailgates me throughout our parking lot and then tries to pass me on the way to the front gate.   His final glorious moment occurs when he exits out the “entrance” gate.  Of course I speed up in order to cut-him off as we approach the property’s exit.  I dream of the day that he’ll clip my bumper so I can own that POS Hyundai.

Crosswalk Disregarders, #6

These ass-wipes make it a race to the finish line when they see a pedestrian about to step off the curb in a parking lot.  It’s as if the laws are less enforceable since they aren’t on an actual roadway at an intersection.  These “ass-chovies” become Jeff Gordon wannabes instantaneously in order to avoid waiting the twenty seconds for a pedestrian to cross.  I will acknowledge that some inconsiderate pedestrians lend a hand in furthering the behaviors of these speed demons.  These pedestrians will continually cross the road, one after another, never allowing a single car to pass.  The worst of these pedestrians are the ones that do it at four-way stop intersections where they’ll cross one crosswalk and short-cut it to the next one.  As a result, if you were going to make a right-hand turn you’re now waiting for this inconsiderate puke to walk through 50% of the crosswalks at this intersection.

Fake Customers, #7

When I worked in sales and customer service it was common to get that insincere customer with their two second “how are you doing?” greeting, before quickly interrupting you with “so, my problem is…”.  My off-the-record comment for these fakers is to save your insincere niceties for someone who cares.  Some may say these individuals are better than the customer who gets right to their problem.  I disagree, let those “fake it till they make it” types go back to Hollywood where they belong.  I’ll take the straight-forward customer any day.

Lane Number Three Ass Climbers, #8

These butt sniffers climb up your “Cornelius Bennett” on the freeway in spite of the fact that you’re going over the posted speed limit.  Someone really needs to remind these jack-holes that the #1 and #2 lanes are dedicated for those traveling at above average speeds.

Mad Tailgaters, #9

These annoying sea basses tailgate like nobody’s business.  It gets to the point where you can tell from their facial expressions that they consumed a minimum of nine espresso shots prior to getting behind the wheel.  If there are laws for excessive alcohol consumption we should also have laws for excessive caffeine consumption.  The dangers are not that dissimilar.  Also, check out the DMV handbook my friends…there is a “three car length” recommendation for a reason.

Professional Hens, #10

Male “hens” that camp out in public bathroom stalls laying their not-so-golden “eggs” while obliterating our nostrils with their horrible defecations.  I empathize with their reluctance to utilize the free “jet-propulsion bidet” (i.e. courtesy flush) as fecal matter reportedly launches up to ten feet on commercial toilets.  I think part of the problem lies with the male’s poor sense of smell.  Thus, the reason we have the ability to sit in our own filth and never think twice about it.  Surely this is one of the reasons women refer to us as pigs.  Regardless, for the love of God…throw us a bone and give us a courtesy flush.  The key problem with Professional Hens is the duration of their sessions which leads to their “stewing in their own juices”.

Door Droppers, #11

Reverse chivalry is pretty unlikely even in a modern society.  I am reminded of this frequently when entering my office building, sometimes with arms full of bags.  Frequently I will be trailing a female associate by only a few feet when she drops the door in my face or thereabouts.  The kicker is when it is pretty clear from their body language (i.e. slight head tilt) that they know you’re there and they still don’t bother to hold the door for you.  I wonder if these ladies are simply inconsiderate, impatient or anxious.  And women wonder why chivalry is dead.  Show an ounce of common courtesy to your fellow man and maybe we’ll consider renewing your lease on chivalry.

Sensitive Men Lovers, #12

Women that claim they want a “sensitive man” and once they have one all they do is belittle him by telling him he is “too emotional” or that he should “grow a set” before they power-yak all over the place.  My words of wisdom for these ladies, face the facts of our biology, you want the “emotionally detached caveman” who is as unavailable as an appliance repairman when you’re within the free warranty period.  So, take the clubbing over the head and enjoy being dragged back to the cave.  “Good times” for you.

Fake Gesturers, #13

I dislike women that make no effort or make insincere motions to their purse when the check arrives.  My unwritten policy when I was single was to pay for the first one to six dates when I dated a new woman.  After that I’d like to see a sincere effort to pick up a check.  I don’t care if it’s a chain restaurant or Le Chen — just pick up the check.  This is the 21^st Century ladies; please join us for a minute.  Seriously, the new reality is that women more than men are earning advanced degrees and as a result are oftentimes out-earning their male counterparts.  After all, if you enjoy our company I’m sure you can make the gesture – at minimum.

Elevator Offenders, #14

It isn’t brain surgery people; etiquette says you wait for someone that has the superior position to leave before you enter.

Parallel Parking Obstructers, #15

Numb-nutters that fail to provide sufficient room (in front of or behind your car) for you to exit your parking space.

Reservation Pilferers, #16

These dirty ponies stand closest to the hostess podium in the hopes of stealing your dinner reservation.  Yes, this actually happens.  These dirty sacs rely on your inability to hear or mishearing when your name is called.  They react in a cat-like-fashion pouncing on the opportunity to shorten their wait time.  Initially I gave people the benefit of the doubt dismissing it as a mere mistake due to common first names.  Then I realized it occurs even when you give an uncommon name to the hostess.  These are some of the lowest forms of humanity on the inconsiderate/impatient puke food-chain.  The good news is that I believe it to be a rare occurrence.

Sidewalk Cyclists, #17

The cyclists that ride on sidewalks and blow by you (often scaring the living carp out of you) while you are utilizing the sidewalk for what they were intended.  The worst offender is the wipe-ass that darts into a crosswalk (out of your blind spot) when you’re making a right-hand turn on a green light.

Non-Stop Cyclists, #18

These cyclists barely slow down or simply blow through four-way-stops as they feel entitled to press on in the name of “cardiovascular exercise”.  My advice to these corn nuts is to head to a rural area if you want to employ this style of riding.  Or, take your exercise routine to the recumbent bicycle at the gym.

Early AM Phone Abusers, #19

Butt nuggets that leave their windows wide open and proceed to have loud phone conversations in the early AM hours.  This is especially prevalent on warm summer nights.  My word to these pukes is a simple reminder that not everyone works as a bartender or stripper and shares your same work hours.

Cockroach Pet Lovers, #20

These dirt bags repeatedly expose other residents in their apartment buildings to “Roach Infestations Gone Wild”.  Regardless of how many times the exterminator visits the problem persists because they refuse to clean up their living environment.  Nothing is finer than being woken up in the middle of the night to the sound of roaches running through your walls, flying across your room or scurrying across your kitchen counter.  If you live in a studio apartment, this will nearly give you the “shotgun blues”.

Cruise Control Set on 35 MPH, #21

Ass-clowns that drive 35 MPH in 50 MPH zones while actively engaged in conversations on hand-held cell phones.  My favorite members of this population are those that have the hand-held in one paw and a cancer stick in the other.

Brake Pumpers, #22

These pony nugs pump away at their brakes when another car is nowhere to be seen in front of them.  I wonder if these all-stars enjoy their monthly visits to Midas.  Apparently, nobody explained to them how ABS brake systems work.

Last-Second Exits, #23

There is no excuse for these corn-a-cocks that endanger others with their last second exiting of freeways.  It is even better when they do an impulsive triple or quadruple lane change during their idiotic maneuver.

Lazy Litterers, #24

Lazy litterers are apartment dwellers that would rather dump their trash on the ground instead of walking to a dumpster that has sufficient space to accommodate their rubbish.  Apparently they enjoy living in squalor with rats, wild animals and roaches.

Line-cutters, #25

These impatient pukes seize any opportunity to advance in line at a retail store.  If you doze off, gaze away from the direction of the cashier or move too slow, they will cut you off rather than simply advising you that the line has advanced.  This is especially true in big cities where a faster way of life is par for the course.

I’ve finished my shopping and am patiently waiting in line.  A Costco Worker comes up and “pre-scans” my merchandise.  This consists of her scanning the merchandise in advance thus I can leave it all in the cart and it will come up automatically when it is my turn in line.  As this is taking place…an IMPATIENT PUKE (woman in her late fifties) cuts in front of me in line.

Here is what transpires next:

COSTCO WORKER: “I’m sorry, it looks like I lost your place in line.”

ME: “What do you expect…the world is full of inconsiderate and impatient pukes”.

(Costco worker smiles)

(The Cashier now calls up the Impatient Puke)

CASHIER: (confused…pointing at one item on the conveyor belt) “Is this all you have?”

IMPATIENT PUKE: “Yes.”

CASHIER: “But…um…”

ME: (Pointing at Puke) “She cut in line so everything is going to be off.”

PUKE: (Flustered…grabs item off belt) “I’ll go behind him then.  I only had one item (glaring at me).”

ME: “And you could’ve asked.  But no, everyone is in too much of a hurry.  Ever heard of ‘common courtesy’?”

(There is a pause)

PUKE: “You know what kind of person you are.”

(David now puts on his “game face”…in disbelief she “went there”)

ME: “And you know what kind of person you are — TRASH (loudly so everyone can hear).  (CASHIER’s face shows the shock!)

PUKE: (she is quieter than a Church Mouse on a Sunday morning).

(I finish my transaction and exit)

“Sometimes when you mess with a bull…you get the horns”.

Shopping Cart Abandoners, #26

Inconsiderate pukes that place their items on the conveyer belt at retail stores and then abandon the cart so that it rests directly in your path.  My method for moving this obstruction is to ram my cart firmly into their cart which results in it slamming into their posterior.  My logic is that possibly having a metal cart rammed up their buttocks repeatedly might make them reconsider employing this lazy ass tactic in the future.

Restaurant Rubes, #27

These dirty ponies seem to be financially successful males that are mainly here to display their peacock feathers.  Typically they will gather with a large group of friends, get hammered on alcohol and proceed to curse every other word making sure they are heard by other patrons.  If only I knew of this secret to success with the ladies when I was single my bachelorhood could have been so much more rewarding.

Cancer-Lover Rubes, #28

Smokers that ignore posted “non-smoking” signs and smoke wherever they damn well please.

Cancer Box, #29

Being trapped on an elevator with someone that just participated in a “cancer stick” break and now their clothing permeates of their cancerous wind.  While I can’t really blame them for choosing to kill their body off slowly I do resent being exposed to that hideous odor in a confined space.

Reared by Wolves, #30

Weak ass “parents” that let their kids run wild in public while they pay no attention to them.  They may find it amusing or are simply overwhelmed with their misbehaving rug rats but it doesn’t mean we want to be a party to it.

Mobile Misfit, #31

These numb-nutters talk loudly into their cell phones or blue tooth headsets as they walk in public places.  I’m not saying that you shouldn’t use your cell phone in public.  However, please use some discretion so that you don’t disturb others that you are sharing an environment with.  Sit-down restaurants and movie theaters are the worst locations for violations committed by the Mobile Misfit.

Wannabe Mr. Hanky’s, #32

Wannabe Mr. Hanky’s are the worst pigs on the planet.  These “suey suey’s” decorate stall walls and floors with fecal matter in public bathrooms.  These male wildebeests truly are wannabe Mr. Hanky’s of the “South Park” television show.

Executive Turd Burglars, #33

These clueless chaps rattle away at the door handle of the handicapped (i.e. executive) stall in public bathrooms even when the door is clearly closed.  Sorry boys, you’ll need to suffer with the skinny stall for a change.

Restroom ASSputins, #34

The anal destroyers are ruthless in public bathrooms and will never offer a token “courtesy flush”.  These guys unload such horrible odors that no matter how you smaste (the split-second decision where you decide to either “smell” it or “taste” it) it you are losing the game.  Regardless of the time they spend in the facility these men are destroyers, plain and simple.

Solo Deposits, #35

You can call me a “green teamer” or a “spotted owl fondler” but I hate those Repubs that feel the need to flush a urinal rather than depositing their urine on top of someone else’s urine.  Who do they think they are, Adrian Monk?  The only exception I am willing to grant is reserved for those cases when you want to flush a toilet prior to sitting in a stall.  I concur that the seated position puts you a little too close for comfort to someone else’s “golden pond”.

Red Light Speedsters, #36

These people accelerate like mad up to red lights or stop signs.  This is another group that requires monthly trips to Midas.  These people are either impatient pukes, lacking knowledge about cars or simply not smart or a combination of the three.

Multi-tasking Drivers, #37

Women apply make-up, men use electric razors and both will eat while driving or use hand-held cell phones.  I especially love it when I see these types shifting their manual transmission while engaging in these other activities.

Haley’s, #38

These people with “ass” breath (halitosis) do nothing in an effort to correct it.  Brushing your teeth after you eat, brushing your tongue, flossing daily and drinking plenty of water are some ways to prevent this problem.  Please take note that this can be a sign of more serious health problems and should be checked out by a physician if your condition doesn’t respond to the suggestions above.

Number One Snails, #39

Number one snails are corn-nuts who go the posted speed limit or less in the number one lane of the freeway.  They are a prime example of inconsiderate and/or oblivious pukes.  It is even better when they cut you off only to get into that number one lane and reduce their speed to the posted speed limit.

Cash on the Counter, #40

I find it annoying when cashiers put your change on the counter versus placing it in your hand.  Unless you’re in Japan, you can place it in someone’s hand.  The Japanese find it inappropriate or disrespectful behavior.  Trust me, I don’t bite…you can place the coin in my paw versus having me fish it off the counter.  I promise not to finger fondle you.

Merge Lane Violators, #41

These ass-ripples are some of the worst on my list.  They will use a far right merge lane as a passing lane.  As a result, they will never drop behind the driver on the left that has the right of way.  Instead, they gun it off the line as the light turns green, thereby cutting you off in the process.  The worst situations of this variety occur when there is a hill near these intersections.  The Merge Lane Violator will fly down the hill like an airplane catching speed for take-off and will time the light as it turns green so they can blow by you from the right merge lane.  Next time read the driver’s handbook — ass face.  Per the Internet, this is the correct way to merge: “The best way to merge is like a zip – where a vehicle from the left lane goes and then a vehicle from the right lane goes, and so on.”

Executive Parking Spots, #42

Major corn asses that typically drive luxury cars or think they do.  They will occupy two parking spaces by purposely parking in the middle of two lanes.  Their goal seems to be to avoid the customary door dents and dings that are known to occur when you live in the city.  What they fail to consider is that parking is limited in the city and by acting like an inconsiderate puke they are asking for us to return the favor.  The following is my favorite example of this behavior, kindly provided by my father.  Yes, “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree”.

My father pulled into a Walgreen’s parking lot in his neighborhood and was unable to take a parking spot near the door.  The reason for this was due to the driver of a brand new Hummer H-2 that was parked in the middle of two spaces.  Once in line inside the store he notices a yuppie male is slowing down the line because he is trying to determine which of two products he should buy.

Finally, the yuppie steps out of line to look at another product and my father completes his transaction.  My father is convinced that this inconsiderate puke must be the owner of the Hummer.  As he leaves the store he notices there is sufficient room for him to pull his car in between the Hummer’s driver’s side and the car to the left, leaving insufficient room to open the driver’s door of the Hummer.

In a passive-aggressive, yet very satisfying move he pulls into the parking spot, turns on the interior light and feigns interest in the literature that came with the prescription he purchased.  Sure enough, the yuppie exits with his wife and heads to his Hummer.  He looks at my father, my father looks at him and my father resumes fake reading the prescription documentation.  The yuppie goes around to the passenger side of the Hummer, climbs across the passenger seat and gets into the driver’s seat.  As soon as he does so my father pulls out of the parking spot, enjoying the moment like a cat that just swallowed a canary.

Line Jumpers, #43

These butt nuggets ask you if they can cut in line at retail stores.  Oftentimes they don’t have fewer items than you but expect “special treatment” for some unknown reason.  I’ve been known to ask why they feel their time is more important than my time.  It is a great way to watch someone make an ass out of themselves by showing others in line how far their head truly is crammed up their own ass.

My favorite denial involved an Armenian “Rico Suave” and his hottie girlfriend.  I found her sense of entitlement hilarious when she copped an attitude when I rejected her suggestion.  Superdupermodels aren’t used to hearing the words “N-O”.  Of course I was shocked when I saw them enter their late model Mercedes minutes later.

Aisle Impeders, #44

Aisle Impeders are those individuals that position their shopping cart on one side of an aisle and their body on the other while they look at something on a shelf.  Seriously ass-clowns, it takes a seriously inconsiderate puke to block off an entire aisle without thinking twice about it.  Similarly, there are those that will run into a friend and chat, blocking off an entire aisle.

Brawn Shots, #45

These fitness center ass-clowns are infamous for breaking cables on pulley systems by overloading the machines with rubberized weights or metal plates.  Other activities they engage in are loud pep talks amongst their “Brawn Shot” brethren, loud grunting and groaning during lifts and allowing their weights to crash loudly onto the floor.  You’re unlikely to find any Rhodes Scholars/Brain Surgeons/Rocket Scientists or Phi Beta Kappa’s in this group so it is recommended that you report it to the gyms management versus attempting a rational discussion with the “Brawn Shot Crew”.

Boulder Bandito, #46

I’ve issued this title to any Pig Skunk that deems it necessary to mount his “works of art” on stall walls in public bathrooms.  Bear in mind, that these “works of art” are not within reach when one is in the seated position.  The said “works of art” happen to be “nose candy” (no, I am not referring to the “White Horse” inhaled by many in the 80s’).   In the executive stall (handicapped stall) of one of our office bathrooms a Boulder Bandito showed off two of his “pieces”.

Exhibit #1 consisted of a long stringy multi-colored “avant-garde” piece.  Exhibit #2 consisted of “pieces” that appeared to be reproductions of “The Little Dipper” and “The Big Dipper”.  Apparently this “artist” is attempting to educate us on the solar system by introducing us to his semi-original “works of art”.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avant-garde

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Big_Dipper

Tortoise Entry, #47

The majority of people have no clue how you are supposed to enter a freeway.  Proper protocol calls for entering the freeway at a HIGHER rate of speed than the flow of traffic, then to merge and decrease speed as needed which allows traffic to remain consistent.  It seems that many choose to enter the freeway at a considerably slower rate of speed causing drivers already on the freeway to slow down to a crawl in order to permit this jack-hole to enter the freeway.

Emergency Vehicle Fakers, #48

These sea basses pump their brakes as emergency vehicles (i.e. police, ambulances and fire trucks) pass them in either direction.  The kicker is that their pump of the brakes is a “token offering” with nearly zero sincerity behind it.  The law requires you to pull over to the right shoulder and stop until the vehicle has completely passed your vehicle.  These clowns keep their foot on their accelerator as long as humanly possible and then they begin pumping their brakes to give the false impression that they plan on pulling over to the shoulder.  Once the emergency vehicle is in their general area they will gradually raise their speed back up to normal.  You may be “selling” but I’m guessing a police officer with a personal agenda won’t be “buying”.

“Headlight Abusers”, #49

My favorite in this category are drivers of raised pick-up trucks.  They have this uncanny ability to maintain that not-so-perfect distance behind you that quickly leads to either a migraine headache or temporary blindness.

Another candidate in this group enjoys leaving their headlights on extra long after occupying a parking space…even when that parking space points directly into a sidewalk café or coffee house.  Way to go cornnuts…I can no longer see my date…much appreciated.

“Horn Asses”, #50

These drivers use their horns at the most inopportune times.  One abuser will lay on the horn four days too long to accentuate their point when another driver has done them wrong.  Another enjoys locking their doors via the remote keyless entry system in the early AM hours, parked directly in front of your residence – of course.  Yes Cornbleuth, showing common courtesy by manually locking your doors would be much appreciated given the circumstances.

If you enjoyed this comedic piece make sure to check out the sequel “40 More Smooth Moves” under the “COMEDY” tab on this blog.

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