What do you get when you take one amateur comedian known for creating low-brow humor and another amateur comedian known for creating high-brow humor?  Well, time will tell as these boys hit the links via GolfBoards at Monarch Beach Golf Links (monarchbeachgolf.com) in Dana Point, CA.

GolfBoards are a creation focused on bringing young people into the game of golf.

Lawrence: GolfBoards were also created by people like me — who can’t freakin’ golf.

Enjoy our wild ride…

Lawrence:  David found this cow to be ‘udderly’ amazing.  He milked this picture for all it was worth.

Lawrence chats with the personable 75 year-old starter

Of course a handful of one-liner zingers have been unleashed in a mere three minutes.  Possibly ‘golfer’ Lawrence is performing a cover of Neil Diamond’s “Forever in Blue Jeans”?

Lawrence: I was trying to popularize a new fashion statement: “Clueless Golfer Chic.”

Lawrence is a freelance writer and wrote a piece on the general manager at this resort so we were provided a very, very, very low-cost courtesy fee to play the course and ride GolfBoards like the one you see in the above photo.  It’s essentially skateboard/surfboard meets golf cart.

Lawrence: When I informed GM Eric Lohman — a GREAT guy — that I could not accept any gifts from a story source (a common thing in journalism), he offered to hook me and a friend up for only $1.  Problem solved.  Since David is an avid golfer and a nice guy, he was just naturally the 14th person I thought of to join me — and the first to actually accept.  Just kidding!  He was the 15th.

Here is a link to Lawrence’s story on GM Eric Lohman:

https://view.joomag.com/monarch-beach-resort-moments-magazine-issue-3/0288141001506380539/p20?short

Lawrence is ready to “chop some wood”

Lawrence doesn’t really play golf but is always up for some good times and self-deprecating humor at his own expense.  His height measures in at 6’5″ so he appears a bit like the Jolly Green Giant when he steps onto a GolfBoard.

Lawrence:  Yup.  I’m about 6’5″.  My litmus test to see whether or not someone has the IQ of cement: I tell them I’m 5’17”.  If they say that I look taller, I know any ensuing discussion probably won’t be about existentialism or rocket science.

Monarch Beach Golf Links:  Hole 1

The first three holes are the nicest looking and most interesting on the course.

Lawrence: After the very first tee shot, I could immediately tell that David knows how to really grip it and rip it. …But enough about his love life.  Rumor has it he’s also pretty good at golf.  If that’ll also help with his stuttering, we’re all happy for him, right?

Personal stock photo: Hole 2

I unload with the M2 TaylorMade driver and hit it straight — for once.  It travels 20 yards past the second bunker on the left (not visible in this photo).

Lawrence: I’ve never once swung a driver — not counting the bipolar midget cabbie I once tossed in Manhattan after he nearly ran me over.  (To this day, I swear he kind of enjoyed it.)

Personal stock photo:  Signature hole 3

My intentional “dirty hooker” stroke was not to be as you’ll see in the next photo.

Lawrence: Uh, gee.  What can a comedy writer say about the term “dirty hooker”?  Golly, the challenge is enormous.  Actually that’d be kind of like shooting a cow at point-blank range with a bazooka.  What’s the sport in that??

The beach on signature hole 3 (Catalina visible in the distance)

Apparently with these sweet TaylorMade M2 clubs I’m not going to slice or hook the ball today.  It seems I put “a can of ass” into the ball as it went dead-straight when I was going for an intentional hook and as a result my ball ended up three-quarters of the way toward the ocean.

Ironically I’ve always dreamed of crushing a ball out into the Pacific after seeing the Seinfeld episode (“The Marine Biologist”) where Kramer launches a golf ball into a whales blow hole.  Later, character George, pretending to be a marine biologist (to impress a female), would extract the Titleist golf ball from the whales blowhole.

George Costanza:  “The sea was angry that day, my friends – like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli.”

We were paired with a nice local couple that we would later ditch as quick as we would a $2.00 Santa Ana road whore with chlamydia.  It wasn’t anything personal, but “Boys Just Wanna Have Fun”.

Lawrence: With the other couple I was glad to golf with someone who was actually worse than I was.  By the way, what idiot would pick up a $2 whore, with or without chlamydia (“the gift that keeps on giving”)?  Up in L.A., where I live, they can be had for 75 cents.  And I’ve had the penicillin shots to prove it.

Personal stock photo:  Holstein cow statue in residential backyard

Milk break anyone?  I lived in Ohio for two years as a teenager so I’m sure I can figure the udder finger fondling process out, right???

Lawrence: Don’t fall for Bessie’s smile.  She’s holding several throwing stars behind her back.  I told David, “If YOU want to suckle her, knock yourself out.”

Lawrence (a.k.a. “ass clown”)

This pose gives new meaning to the common golfer error of an “open club face”.

Lawrence: In fairness, this position is GREAT for reducing the gopher population.

Hole 3:  Green

It’s easy to see why this is their signature hole.

Lawrence: It really is a gorgeous hole.  I felt honored to lose four balls there. (The last one nailed a lifeguard and buried itself in the sand.  Mr. Water Wings was sleeping on the job, so chalk it up to karma).

St. Regis Monarch Beach Resort

The resort is very upscale and I noticed the bathrooms in the clubhouse have been remodeled.  It appears that much of the resort was redesigned since the wife and I golfed here two years ago.

Lawrence tries to “cut the mustard”…

He may not be “going yard”, but he’s mostly “hitting them straight”.

Lawrence: By “straight,” David means “spraying it in every flippin’ direction.”  Also: My jeans-on-the-resort-course look may be awful, but at least I can five-putt on every green. 

Cafe Snack Shack

Four holes in Lawrence opts to rest his trifecta ailments of spina bifida, scoliosis and sciatica.  My comment, “it sure is fun getting younger”. 

Lawrence: David had some trail mix while I downed a Lowenbrau then shuffled to the bathroom to drop acid.  Funny thing is, both of our swings improved.  I didn’t know what planet I was on, but David tells me that I started to lose fewer balls.

After 10-15 minutes we “get our swing on” again.

I’m quickly learning why this sack full of TaylorMade M2 clubs is in the neighborhood of $1,600.  I’m hitting 270 yard drives that are straight and my iron shots are going 15 yards longer than my personal clubs.

Lawrence: All kidding aside, David was hitting it really long and straight.  The fancy-schmancy clubs were one thing, but the man knows how to swing a driver.

Hole 5:  Remaining fairway on the OTHER side of the creek

This is a fun and fairly challenging hole.

Lawrence: Challenging, indeed.  This is the point where the acid started to wear off.  The only thing that got higher was my score. 

“Swing batta batta”…

“Tall boy” about to unleash his shtick.

Lawrence: We were told to not run our GolfBoards up or down the curbs.  (A few times I ignored that).  However, nobody told us about nailing them with an iron.  In this image, the board actually traveled farther than the ball.

Davy going “side-saddle”

It took a minute, but I’m getting pretty comfortable riding these things.

Lawrence: What you don’t see are all of David’s wacky face-plant photos.  Even the paramedics were giggling.

“Giddy up”…

“Look Pa, no hands”…

Ace Ventura’s got nothin’ on me…

If Ace Ventura, Pet Detective, can talk with his a$$, maybe I can drive with mine?  Eat your heart out Acehole!

Yes, it’s entirely possible that I may be the crassiest (certainly not to be cornfused with classiest) person you know when decades are being subtracted from my mental age.

Lawrence celebrates a “duck hook” shot into the brush

We ask that the gallery at Augusta National hold their applause for the next shot which will likely bounce off of a squirrel’s “Cornelius Bennett”.

Lawrence: Irrefutable proof: “He’s a legend in his own mind”.

“Happy Gilmore” reenactment:  slide 1

Get ready gang, ‘somebody’ is about to “put his chips on display”.

“Happy Gilmore” reenactment:  slide 2

I sense a real lack of coordination maneuver coming here.

“Happy Gilmore” reenactment:  slide 3

“Wait for it…”

“Happy Gilmore” reenactment:  slide 4

My cell phone is out and 911 is at the ready.

“Happy Gilmore” reenactment:  slide 5

Holy goat tits!  Five days later we almost have lift off.  Notice white boy’s 1.5″ vertical hops.  Even if this were televised locally, I’m thinking the only category of viewers getting jealous of this display would be grandpappy aged residents chilling on their La-Z-Boy recliners wondering where they set down their prune juice.

“Happy Gilmore” reenactment:  slide 6

Actually, that form isn’t god awful.

“Happy Gilmore” reenactment:  slide 7

Poor squirrel…

Lawrence: The cracking sound that ensued wasn’t the club face hitting the ball.  It was my lumbar region merrily exploding and turning into ‘bio-confetti’.  Laugh at me all you want. Just do NOT laugh at my wheelchair.

Personal stock photo:  Hole 9

I close our nine holes with a sweet tee shot, a very good 4-iron shot (odd club to be found in a modern sack of clubs) out of fairway sand followed by a beauty of a high approach iron shot and my twisting 30 foot downhill birdie putt missed by a half-an-inch for a six-inch tap in par putt.

Lawrence: David’s shot was awesome.  Seriously, he left the best for last and came THIS CLOSE to birdying the hole.  Impressive. 

Davy getting “squirrelly” with it…

Since they strongly advise against hitting curbs or going up curbs which can result in damage to the GolfBoards this is my only time opening up the throttle on a hardscape.  I preferred to let loose on open fairways given that I don’t have many thousands of dollars resting in my money clip.

Lawrence: But David makes no mention of running the two retired blue-rinse wide loads off the path and into a sand trap.  That’s elder abuse, bitch!

Cute little bunny made an appearance…

“Pet the cute bunny wabbit”…

Lawrence, SET DOWN the club!!!

Even in the South, braining bunnies on golf courses is NOT permitted.  Unless a Trumpeteer owns the golf course.  Then, all bets are off.

Lawrence: David and I found out that rabbit really does taste like chicken!

Ocean view from the patio of the clubhouse

We wrap up our nine holes of golf as Lawrence has somewhere to be.  Talk about “good times”.  We sincerely enjoyed our temporary escape and extremely immature return to our youth.  Thank you for the gracious courtesy Monarch Beach Golf Links!!!

Lawrence: It was an awesome afternoon, and David is a great golf buddy.  Best of all, I got the high score!! 

Peace out!

Davy and Lawrence

THE END!

Here is a link to Lawrence’s professional writing website:

https://www.larryurish.com/