Three and a half years have passed since I wrote “50 Smooth Moves”.  Fortunately or unfortunately the world as I’ve seen it has provided me enough ammo to write a sequel to my first piece.  The majority of these “candidates” are new but some are modifications of previous candidates from “50 Smooth Moves” with additional analysis included.

Regardless, here are situations I’ve observed or been an unwilling participant in which have left me annoyed, aggravated or downright disgusted.  Please bear in mind that I will admit I’ve had a “brain fart” and done a few of these maneuvers over the years but “generally speaking” these are maneuvers that lack logic, consideration or common courtesy or a variation of the three.

As a result, don’t take this personally if you see yourself in a few of these scenarios.  Conversely, if you find yourself to be “present and accounted for” in nearly every paragraph, you may want to do a little soul-searching and introspection to find some areas of improvement as a fellow human being.  Additionally, I did take a “Letter of the Law” perspective with these observations in order to maximize the comedic quantity.  With that being said, I hope this piece proves educational, humorous, informative and worthy of my research and time.  By the way, these are not ranked in any particular order.

“Right of Way” Challenged, #1

These sea biscuits impulsively attempt to make a right-hand turn on a red light without giving one iota of thought that drivers who have a green arrow light “may” make a U-turn instead of a left-hand turn.  Yes, numbnutters, life is full of options.  Other incidents occur when a line of cars face you at a signal light and you are waiting to make a right-hand turn while they are waiting to drive straight or make a left-hand turn.  Rather than yielding you the right-of-way so you may select the lane of “your” choosing these wannabe Jeff Gordon’s accelerate in order to beat you to the lane of their choosing.  Seriously speaking, this is basic Drivers Ed stuff…

Monsoon Morons, #2

These winners drive as poorly during a heavy downpour of rain as they do when the weather is dry and sunny.  They speed well above the posted speed limit, make impulsive lane changes and tailgate other drivers with facial expressions resembling a “gerbil on acid”.  These butt sniffers can’t seem to grasp the concept that current weather conditions deem it necessary as well as intelligent to lower their speed 10 MPH versus raising their speed 10 MPH.

Mammoth Vehicle Parking, #3

These mother f-errs drive lengthy commercial delivery trucks and motorhomes and park at “extreme” angles (45 degrees or greater) thereby occupying multiple parking spots.  Other violators of this “style” of parking may include luxury car drivers.  The result is that the tail end of their vehicle prohibits the driver of the car parked next to them from backing straight out of their parking spot.  This inconsiderate behavior forces their “parking lot neighbor” to either make an ever-so-delicious 12-point turn in order to exit their parking space OR re-enter the establishment they were visiting and loudly announce that the inconsiderate cock-hole who blocked them in needs to move their vehicle.

Barbaric Bi-peds, #4

These overly aggressive individuals walk at an accelerated pace at all times.  Most are capable of offending their colleagues by merging off of a side aisle and into a main walkway without ever acknowledging the existence of others; much less yielding to those who have the “right of way”.  These clearly “Type A” personalities will NEVER simply slow-down and “merge in” as it is a concept completely foreign to them.  Rather they will force others to slam on their “hoof brakes” thereby yielding to their barbaric behavior.  One can only imagine the pure joy that must be felt from sharing an automobile roadway with these “barbarians”.

Green-Light Anticipators, #5

These individuals seemingly have a life mission as a motorist to perfectly time signal lights so as to avoid utilizing their brakes in any way, shape or form.  As a result, they will elect tactics which include “slowing to a crawl” as they approach an intersection, coasting to an intersection or speeding up so they can “bullet-train” it through an intersection just as the light turns green.  They will add further “insult to injury” by taking their foot off of the brake, at a dead-stop mind you, and begin coasting into the intersection prior to the light turning green.  I envision these pukes as “control freaks” in everything that they engage in throughout their lives.

Carpool Lane Falterers, #6

These all-stars drive 60 MPH or less in the carpool lane during daytime hours as if they were on a leisurely “Sunday drive” in the countryside.  Oftentimes they will further annoy other carpoolers by failing to employ their vehicles’ cruise control feature.  This of course forces you to turn off your cruise control feature before seeking the next opportunity to safely exit the carpool lane.  California law doesn’t seem to require you to achieve a minimum speed while in the carpool lane (other than the standard freeway minimum) but it is inconsiderate “as all hell” to drive in this lane as if you are in the number six lane.

Right-Turn Racers, #7

These drivers turn completing a right-hand turn on a green light into a dangerous game of — “race the pedestrian”.  Even though California law dictates that the pedestrian has the right-of-way these drivers will urge the pedestrian to pick up their pace by “licking their ankles” with their car’s bumper.  If the pedestrian is walking from the opposite side of the street multiple “Right-Turn Racers” will “race against time” in order to complete their right-hand turn prior to the pedestrian approaching.  Sometimes there are close calls in which the pedestrian must slam on their “hoof brakes” in order to avoid being hit by the driver.  NOTE: California law directs that the pedestrian has the “right- of-way” and a driver is NOT to enter the intersection until the pedestrian’s hoof hits the curb on the opposite side of the street.  The only exception is if there is a solid concrete median/island in the center of the street.  Then, the driver must wait until the pedestrian’s hoof hits the curb of the median/island.

Bus Driver Envy, #8

For whatever reason, whether it was a childhood fantasy, being a person of small stature or possessing limited perceptive abilities in regards to size and space these individuals drive their compact cars as if they were driving a gargantuan passenger bus.  As a result, they complete right-hand turns by heavily encroaching on the lane adjacent to them, slowing down to a crawl and finally finishing their turn via a wide (almost 90 degree) turn in a similar fashion as that of a passenger bus driver.  If you drop back you can observe them trying to spin their steering wheel similarly to a commercial passenger bus driver.

SuperDuperModel Entitlement, #9

These aesthetically pleasing to the eye “nines” drive as if the ENTIRE roadway belongs to them.  Last-second lane changes, failing to utilize their turn signal, borderline bumper clipping and cutting off other drivers are simply — “par for the course”.  The root of the evil stems from living their entire existence where it is extremely unlikely that anyone informed them that —“their poo does stink”.  Consequently the rest of us suffer in our public encounters with these “celebrities in their own minds”.  In Southern California these perps tend to share the following characteristics: stunning visual appearance; high-end fashion; extravagant wedding rings with gigantic “boulders” attached and pricey luxury vehicles.  NOTE: It has been my life experience that no such animal exists beyond a 9.0 rating since a fair amount of smelly attitude and super ego are typical here and warrant subtracting a minimum of one point.

Corporate Narcs, #10

These corporate babies feel the need to tattle on colleagues, back-stab at will and ignore the unwritten “chain-of-command” rule pertaining to reporting conflicts in the workplace.  More often than not the “supposed” conflict can be summarized as — “total B, total S”.  Seriously kiddies, the last time I heard “the bell ringing” informing me I was late to third period I believe I was attending something called — high school!  In my book, whistle-blowing in the workplace should be reserved for issues such as employee theft, sexual misconduct or potential violence.  My life policy on this subject matter is to control what you are able to control and let the rest work its way out.  Don’t shoot the messenger, but my experience has been that “the ladies” employ these tactics much more often than men do.  If women are “cats” and men are “dogs”, take notice of Merriam-Webster’s dissimilar definitions for “catfight” versus “dogfight”; enough said.  My contention is that a department which consists predominantly of women will very often have plenty of this drama whereas a department consisting primarily of men will rarely experience these situations.  There are two possible exceptions that come to mind in which men may have “in-fighting” within a department.  First, if you have a sales department the competitive nature of men will surely arise and it may lead to some similar issues.  Second, would be a scenario where a “superdupermodel” is inserted into a department which is chock full of young or youthful males.  Most confident males cannot help but “strut like peacocks” when fine looking females are in their presence.

Impulsive Lane Hogs, #11

These drivers impulsively dart into the lane next to them when the driver directly in front of them has slowed down to turn right onto a side street or into a parking lot.  These dirty asses “move first, think after” and when you honk your horn informing them they have entered your personal space you are likely to receive a gesture involving an exposed middle finger or they will completely ignore you.  In my humble opinion, this level of disrespect warrants one of two possible punishments.  If it involves a male, they are to receive a one-way “ro-sham-bo” session (one man kicks the other man in the testicles as hard as he can).  If a female is the culprit, a modified “Midwestern blanket party” (hammering her titties multiple times with a plastic Wiffle ball bat) would be her appropriate punishment.

Lurking Co-workers, #12

These impatient “ass examiners” climb your back while you utilize the kitchen sink, copier or fax machine in your office.  It appears as if they’ve consumed about “nine espressos too many” with their anxiety running at a horribly annoying level.  What ever happened to the days when people actually waited their turn???  I realize they are clearly “Type A” personalities and if they’re not going a “mile a minute” they feel as if they might actually expire.  However, if the butt sniffer in question had looked to their right they would’ve noticed a kitchen with an identical layout — a mere thirty feet away.  Had this situation been transferred to a two-lane country road and I was traversing at a speed that wasn’t “maintaining the flow of traffic” I would gladly pull my vehicle over and allow them to pass.  However, given they have a secondary option I will simply ignore their anxiety-ridden ass.  In fact I may purposely slow down my processes if I hear antsy feet, they begin to “huff and puff” or their invasion of my personal space brings back “Deliverance” resembling nightmares.

Re-ver-SLA!  Drivers, #13   

These drivers miss their street or freeway exits and rather than taking the next exit and doubling back they will opt to place their car in reverse (i.e. “Re-ver-SLA”) to achieve the same result.  I once observed a seriously misguided and mentally challenged puke miss their freeway exit by at least fifty yards.  This dickshine actually “rode the shoulder” in reverse for the next five minutes plus with the front end of their car  popping in and out of traffic due to their lack of coordination driving in reverse.  Vehicles driving on the freeway had to slow down, stop or move to avoid making bodily contact with this “brain surgeon”.  Eventually this “worthless sack of schist” made a final “re-ver-SLA” maneuver into the freeway off-ramp lane forcing those drivers who were correctly exiting the freeway to stop and wait until this ass clown found the drive gear and began moving ever-so-slowly down the off-ramp.  Now that is truly — expensive!!!

Carpool Commies, #14

 These dullards don’t understand the unwritten rules of the road regarding carpool lanes.  They will aggressively flash their high beam lights and tailgate you in order to persuade you to exit the carpool lane.  What they fail to comprehend is that driving 75 MPH on a Sunday night at 9pm in this lane is “perfectly healthy and perfectly normal”.  There is no unwritten rule such as “keeping up with the flow of traffic” which does apply to the true number one lane of California freeways.  My advice to “carpool commies” is to simply wait until the dotted line appears and pass me.  For the extreme “carpool commies” I will employ a passive-aggressive response which entails reducing my cruise control speed to 55-60 MPH.  Enjoy that – you Commie Bastard!!!

Total “T”, #15

These racists will say something moronic in public and be completely clueless that they sold themselves “down the river” as the racist pigs they are.  I overheard a “Whitey McGhee” (i.e. simple-minded, rural, not worldly, lacking sophistication) woman talking about how she was in a nail salon (note: in California they tend to be owned by Vietnamese families) and “ordered” the women working on her skanky, monkey-ass looking hooves to SPEAK ENGLISH while in her presence.  After overhearing this I couldn’t help but wonder if the Grand Wizard of the KKK chapter in Pulaski, Tennessee is saving a spot for this “gem”.  Apparently her paranoia led her to believe they were rousting her “skanky hooves” behind her back.  Well “Trailer Trash”…if the “hoof cover” fits…

Yelp Yahoos! #16

 These yahoos (not to be confused with the search engine bearing the same name) are unable to keep their “eye on the prize”; also known as “the food”.  They have nearly zero perspective and are unable to comprehend that NOT all cultures deem the same things important in operating their restaurants.  Get it through your thick heads that NOT every country in the world is like the U.S. and revolves around being a “service culture”.  The worst offenders seem to “tee off” on authentic Asian restaurants (NOT the Americanized ones which specialize in “orange chicken” mind you) more than other cultures.  As a result, these morons become preoccupied with the following: (a) the parking lot situation outside of the restaurant (b) the wait time before they were seated (c) how many times their water glass was refilled (d) did the waiter/waitress smile a lot (d) did the waiter/waitress “kiss their corn” throughout the entire meal.  My advice to these clueless pukes is this:  You are in a casual restaurant owned and operated by another culture which clearly your lame uninformed, likely uneducated, “analytically challenged” ass has issues comprehending, considering or adjusting to.  If you can’t simply enjoy the hot and usually tasty exotic food being served to you it is time for you to take your simpleton ass out the door, get in your 2010 Chevy Malibu (in that parking lot you hate so much) and drive your clueless, complaining ass to your house where you can crack open a deliciously bland box of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese.

Accountability Phobe, #17

These individuals have a serious phobia of admitting wrongdoing or accepting blame for anything.  It could be a blatantly obvious “pooch screw” and these morons will consciously or subconsciously play dumb, make lame arguments and otherwise attempt to justify their asinine actions.  Introspection is a term they couldn’t define if their life depended on it.  You may observe examples of these idiots on “People’s Court” or “Judge Judy” (as well as other TV daytime court shows).  The sad part is that on occasion a seemingly smart person will employ similar flawed tactics.  This is clearly a person whose brain (while highly functioning) elects to live in the subconscious when convenient.  Their stupidity, lack of self-awareness or unwillingness to be held accountable for their actions is absolutely priceless.

Multi-Tasking Motorists, #18

These candidates include gents who eat a burger and shake while driving an automobile with a manual transmission to the female who applies various make-up paraphernalia while her car is in motion.  The other day I was amazed when I saw a girl using an eyelash curler while driving.  Um, “sweet pea”, you do realize you must CLOSE your eye in order to use that tool???  Yes ladies, we realize it is likely that 94.8% of you apply some form of make-up while driving.  And yes, we understand that you are generally much better at multi-tasking than males.  However, it doesn’t make you any less of a lazy dumbass mother f-err for putting others at risk because you were unwilling to remove your soon-to-be fat ass from bed ten minutes earlier.  That being said, my true favorite from this pool of geniuses are the corporate pukes who treat their “snow globe” of a car cabin as if it were their “mobile office”.  I’ve observed these Nobel Prize winners shuffling papers, texting, digging through the glove box, reaching under their seat, reading and writing.

T-Bone steak Constructors #19

These butt sniffies will tailgate you as you drive into your apartment, condo or townhome community and will become extremely impatient once you attempt to make your necessary wide left turn or wide right turn (to get the proper angle) to enter your parking garage.  You will very nearly come face-to-face (or worse) with this winner who has impulsively decided to pass you on your left or right side.  Trying to avoid bodily contact and forming a “T-bone steak” union will take more luck than skill.  I’d like to know where this mother f-err was during Driver’s Ed and when the Quik bunny was educating us regarding “patience being a virtue”.  NOTE: In the name of defensive driving I strongly recommend that if you sniff the slightest “aroma” of impatience from the said driver’s actions it would be in your best interest to pull aside and permit them to pass prior to you completing your turn.  Your “hypothetical” insurance adjuster, Lawrence, would surely thank you.

Self-Centered Cyclists, #20

These inconsiderate jackholes choose to ride their bicycle inside the right lane of traffic versus utilizing the costly customized bicycle lane which the city (via taxpayer’s dollars) designed for their SORRY ASSES.  As a result, they slow traffic down to a crawl and automobile drivers must avoid “licking their tire” while waiting for the next opportunity to safely pass them.  Seriously, are you too good for the bicycle lane?  I’ll admit I have zero interest in cycling but I fail to see one compelling reason for avoiding utilizing a feature which was customized to protect YOUR particular asses.

Java Palette Painters, #21

This group of stragglers take their own sweet time at self-service coffee stations and act as if they are blending paints on a painter’s palette for their next masterpiece to be featured at a gallery showing.  Back-and-forth they stir and taste, working with non-dairy creamer, half and half creamer and sweeteners.  I’m not asking you to leave the station prior to prepping your java.  However, it would be much appreciated if you would acknowledge that a line has developed and show a “glimmer” of common courtesy by shifting your hips so as not to hog the entire station.  Thank you kindly Mr. or Mrs. Avant-garde coffee artiste…

“Constant Flow” Drivers, #22

When traffic locks up these impatient pukes change lanes immediately in the hopes of gaining a superior position.  It’s as if those other lanes are the “magic elixir” potion which will get them to their “promised land” sooner than later.  My “words of wisdom” for these illogical all-stars is that it doesn’t matter a “squirt” whether you are on the freeway or city streets; if there is an ASSload of cars on the road – you aren’t making up ground – period!

Half-Taskers, #23

These lazy sea basses are more like “half-assers”.  They are notorious for beginning a task but quickly walking away and very likely never finishing it.  Oftentimes these peeps have the “attention span of a Nigerian mole rat on acid”.  Some examples include starting the office coffeemaker brewing cycle but never returning to the pump thermos so it sits there with an open orifice allowing the fresh, “once hot” coffee to quickly turn to room temperature or less.  My bet is that the majority of these people do this on purpose, aSSuming someone will complete the process on their behalf.  Other violations in the workplace include leaving dirty dishes in the sink.  My message to these dirty sacs is the following:  Hey Slim Pickens, we are not your mother so unless you consumed a breakfast consisting of some sticky ass oatmeal with honey on top which requires the “paste” to soak before cleaning…clean up your own goddamn S!!!

ROI Gift Givers, #24

These peeps always give gifts based on the ROI (Return on Investment).  They never consider their yearly earnings or the bond they have with the receiver of the gift; with them it is all about “winning the game”.  Oftentimes they have upper level professional jobs in which analytics and numbers are heavily involved (i.e. engineer, lawyer, scientist, doctor, accountant etc.) yet they give friends, family members or colleagues gifts which are representative of an Admin professional who earns $24,000 per year or less.  This person will attend a wedding reception which clearly cost the bride and groom or their family $50.00 per person and they’ll arrive with a guest and leave behind a $5.00 photo frame they picked up at Big Lots.  This is simply another lesson on how the wealthy STAY wealthy.  They are the first in line at Costco and NOT on the elite level “Executive” memberships; it is all about the standard “Gold Star” my friends.

Button Abusers, #25

These anxious candidates will stand at a pedestrian crosswalk and press the button 48 times in a row.  They do so even after seeing someone else press the very same button only five seconds earlier.  Please be advised “nut jobbies”, you don’t earn extra points for wearing out your thumb while waiting.

ChristmASS Drivers, #26

These individuals were very likely born impatient out of the womb and are much worse now that they’ve graduated to earning a spot behind the wheel.  We all understand that the holiday season is stressful but with these neurotic pukes you can upgrade that stress level by 10-20 times.  The craziness, impulsiveness and erratic and inconsiderate driving maneuvers you will witness from them this time of the year are truly “spectacular”.

Refrigerated Food Abandoners, #27

These are some seriously dirty anuses.  They shop at their local grocery store, remove perishable items like fresh beef, chicken, fish or milk from displays and then change their mind while waiting in line at the check-out stand.  Rather than simply informing the clerk that they have changed their mind on a particular item, they will abandon it on a magazine stand.  Do they really think the clerk is going to “scold them like a fifth grader” for changing their mind?  Now the clerk is reliant on a “good citizen” customer advising them of the abandoned item before it spoils.  My personal message to these individuals is as follows:  Way to go there “corn tits”.  You’ve now driven up the prices ALL of us must pay for our groceries.

Re-ver-SLA! Lovers, #28

This cat will ONLY park their vehicle in reverse.  These peeps LOVE and ADORE the process of backing their automobile into a parking space.  You will find many philosophies online outlining why it is safer to park in reverse.  Conversely, others will contend that it is only safer when exiting the space but not when entering it.  Some business executives believe that workers who park their cars in reverse are anxious to leave work and seeking a quicker exit of the parking lot.  One particular executive stated he would never hire anyone he saw backing into a parking space.  I thought of two immediate cons of “re-ver-SLA” parking.  First, driving in reverse is some seriously “slow-ass-bullshit”.  Second, drivers of pick-up trucks often can’t see jack crap (unless the vehicle is equipped with a reverse camera) behind them and will surely leave the bed of their truck hanging over the painted line of the parking spot behind their vehicle.  Yes, that is some exceedingly inconsiderate nonsense when your actions cause the space behind you to now be suitable for motorcycles or sub-compact cars only.  Oh, and kudos to you “goat nuts” for the eight seconds you may shave off of your evening commute…

Flawed Readers, #29

Truth be told, I firmly believe that the majority of the U.S. population fails to truly read anymore.  My hunch is that roughly 8-12 % of my “readership” actually reads a significant portion of the content of my stories or essays.  It seems that our patience has worn very thin as technology and the 21^st Century “Rat Race” have left most city dwellers with little energy or “perceived time” to slow down and read.  As a result, people barely take the time to fully read an e-mail, much less a magazine, a lengthy Internet article or a book.  If you doubt my contention, try a little experiment.  E-mail a control group of friends (twelve should do nicely) and ask them five questions which contain at least 18 words per question.  To trick the eye and add a touch of “perceived” bulk to your e-mail, add a couple of brief paragraphs summarizing why you are asking the said questions.  Here is the approximate outcome you can expect:  50% never made it through the two opening paragraphs; 25% answered 2 of 5 questions; 12% answered 3 of 5 questions; 8% answered 4 of 5 questions; 5% answered 5 of 5 questions.  Be advised that you will receive e-mails regarding your questions which will ask you something which is already CLEARLY contained in your original e-mail.  Also, there will be wrong answers to the questions as people failed to FULLY read the question or will only comprehend it “the way they wanted to understand it”.  I won’t address the probable statistics on how many people will fail to meet your deadline but I assure you it will definitely occur.  Yes, these are the “times” we live in…sad, but painfully true.  I could add another candidate to this list classified as “Piss Poor Listeners, #30” but due to the obvious similarities we’ll simply lump it in here with “Flawed Readers”.

The Mad “Flipper”, #30

This “angry bird” will show you their middle finger (a.k.a. “flip you off”) at the drop of a hat.  “How dare you” should be their middle name.  Anything and everything will set this person off.  You can’t even issue a gentle warning tap on your horn when their vehicle has encroached into your lane.  I believe they began their day angry and will end their day angry.  Such is the life of an – “angry bird”.

“Walker, Text-ER Ranger”, #31

Well, this candidate isn’t Chuck Norris but their reckless nature may remind you of that retired action TV show in some small way.  These peeps love to maximize their day through multi-tasking and will walk down stairs while texting.  I believe this “may” be slightly less dangerous than texting while driving but on the “numbnutter scale” I’d rate it an 8.0 or a 9.0.  Rumor has it a colleague pulled this maneuver, bit it down the stairs, and was out on disability leave for weeks.  Way to go there “mailbox”…pretty smart…

Mud Talkers, #32

It is beyond me why some people engage in phone conversations in the can while planting their “Johnny Mustard Seed” in the toilet.  There is a good looking young twenty-something guy in my office (no, I’m not gay, just a married and retired Metrosexual) building who is notorious for “mud dialing” and even talks to his girlfriend on the phone.  Sexy!  And they say chivalry is dead.  I know of one female co-worker who dropped their phone into the toilet.  I wonder if any of these violators have thought about the idea of fecal matter getting on something they place against their face.  One day the young guy in our office got on the phone with his girl while sharding and I began letting out loud satisfying sounding grunts and groans.  Then I expressed relief as I said “Oh yeah, that felt — greeeeaaaatttttttt”.  Finally, I broke into song via the theme song from “The Greatest American Hero” TV show (see lyrics below) from the 80s’.

 Look at what’s happened to me,

I can’t believe it myself.

Suddenly I’m up on top of the world,

It should’ve been somebody else.

Believe it or not,

I’m walking on air.

I never thought I could feel so free-

Flying away on a wing and a prayer.

Who could it be?

Believe it or not it’s just me.

Disappearing Thank-Yous, #33

Somewhere along the way many Americans have seemingly lost the ability to acknowledge when a stranger makes a gesture of kindness to their benefit.  It seems like it was the “days of yore” when the majority of people would say those two simple words, “thank you”, after someone held the door open for them, allowed them to go first or moved out of their way.  Today it seems about 30-40% of the population has forgotten this simple yet polite etiquette.

Corporate Food Pilferers, #34

You don’t have to be a “foodie” to relate to the anger and frustration felt after discovering that some “worthless piece of schist” pilfered your lunch from the workplace fridge.  This is a glowing example of where HR made a clear hiring mistake.  It is a whole other level of dirt bag who possesses the “bull balls” to steal a colleague’s lunch.  This is your livelihood and you’re risking your employment over a $6.00 meal???  Surely this candidate was “reared by wolves” and just might be a former Rhodes Scholar to boot.  It is rather unlikely the culprit would be caught in the act but if someone were so fortunate the appropriate punishment would be a one-way “ro-sham-bo” session (one man kicks the other man in the testicles as hard as he can).

Parking Lot Cart Abandoners, #35

Yes, we understand that at times one must park far away from a cart collecting station.  However, if you abandon your cart in the middle of an empty parking space you are a total “corn-a-cock”, no two ways about it.  As a result of your lack of consideration the next driver who arrives must exit their vehicle, hoist the cart up on the curb of a planter island or move it out of the way, park their car and then return it to the store -FOR YOU.  In my book, that is one serious INCONSIDERATE PUKE.

Personal Hygiene Cubists, #36

These “cube rubes” engage in activities within their cubicle walls such as clipping their nails, brushing and flossing their teeth, rinsing with mouthwash, electric razor facial shaving and trimming nose hair.  I once witnessed a wannabe “Paul Bunyan” (Babe the Blue Ox being absent) clipping his toe nails into his trash can.  I can only wonder if he didn’t go on to scoop out the “toe jam” under his toe nails.  These candidates should really be classified as “total wildebeests”.

Ass Gasket Protocol, #37

These filthy monkeys toss “mud” in corporate bathrooms and then as the ultimate sign of disrespect for the throne they leave “behind” their wrinkled up, rounded-out and “imprinted” ass gasket firmly adhered to the toilet seat (due to excess ass sweat).  Seriously brother?  How difficult is it to finalize the process by utilizing your “hoof cover” to kick that seat cover into the bowl?  I suspect these are the same ass-clowns who manufacture photocopies of their naked ass cheeks via office copiers.  My message to these pukes is this:  While we understand this facility is where “deuces run loose” we don’t want to enter a stall and be immediately aware that you were very recently here and “crushin’ like a Russian”.

Crop Dusting Colleagues, #38

Never in my wildest nightmares did I ever think that I would reenact the crop duster plane chase scene from one of my favorite films, “North by Northwest”, in the workplace.  Furthermore, I surely didn’t think I would be starring in the role of Cary Grant.  It all began when a female colleague decided to “drop a Johnny Rotten” in the middle of the aisle where my cubicle is located.  I won’t elaborate on the pungent “garbage can” smell that permeated the air.  However, it did force me to make a split-second “smaste” (to smell or taste it) decision and I obviously went with “taste”.  To add further insult to injury, she engaged in a conversation with me while she paced back and forth…“poisoning the crops” (a.k.a. fellow colleague’s cubicles and their “nose holes”).  Each time I stood up to exit my cubicle (i.e. “run for the hills”), she would box me in and resume our one-sided conversation.  I bugged out my eyes in a feeble attempt to conceal my curled nose from this grotesque offender.  Eventually I was able to make my escape.  As I walked down the hallway I was in total disbelief that she couldn’t “drop ass” in a vacated space, God knows open spaces are plentiful with all the downsizings over the past few years.  Or she could have done what most considerate humans would do by taking her smelly “garbage can” ass to the bathroom where she could’ve “released the hounds”.  Instead she had me wondering if James Bond’s specially equipped Aston Martin (from the “Goldfinger” movie) had infiltrated our building security and dropped one hell of a mother f-inn smoke screen.

Icebox Ice-holes, #39

These dirty pig-skunks treat the office refrigerator as if it were their personal trash can.  They are notorious for leaving take-out containers with half-eaten portions of food, 48 frozen dinners per person and uncovered smelly food (i.e. fish, seafood, eggs etc.) until the “end of time”.  If it weren’t for a scheduled month-end clean-out by our cleaning crew the interior of our kitchen appliance would look like a camel’s colon exploded.

Tunaboating Colleagues, #40

One might assume it couldn’t get much worse than a colleague “crop dusting” an entire unit full of colleagues.  As luck would have it I was unfortunate enough to endure an even more traumatic encounter with another female colleague who enjoyed encroaching on my personal space within my cubicle.  I also discovered that regardless of the fact that females usually have a much better sense of smell than males this particular female either didn’t concern herself with personal hygiene or wasn’t aware that hers’ was seriously suspect.  I was in utter disbelief as I was violently “clubbed over the head like a baby seal” with a hefty waft of tuna.  Given my usual “luck in this world” it was NOT the mild smelling solid white albacore variety.  Rather, this trip to “Stanky Town” featured a pronounced offensive smell of low grade chunk light tuna.  There are two things which work for or against men who are placed in these situations.  First, they can only pray that their sense of smell is as poor as I originally advertised.  Second, if the offender is of a petite build and stature versus an Amazonian frame that should serve them well.  Picture where an Amazonian’s “whisker biscuit” would be in relation to your face when you are in the seated position.  During another invasion (she encroached often) I took in a foul sniff of chunk light tuna along with a distinct smell of her residue from an excursion on “The Golden Pond”.  Lucky me…

If you enjoyed this comedic piece make sure to check out its predecessor “50 Smooth Moves” under the “COMEDY” tab on this blog.

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